


Tease Me (Please Me)

by birdsinacage



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Embarrassment, I'm horribly blasphemous please don't hate me, M/M, Masturbation, Movie Reference, a joke about clubbing seals fuck I'm a bad person, horrible description of louis' past sexual endeavors, lots of naughty language bc that's what I do tbh, louis and harry both like meat, louis has a bit of an embarrassment kink.., louis just wanted to pee, niall is a jackass, talk of phallic shaped foods and dripping sauce
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-07 07:39:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4254936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdsinacage/pseuds/birdsinacage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>okay so this was a fic I started in 2013, that was actually set around the end of 2011, that I'm now hoping to finish in 2015. So, that being said, there will probably be a lot of inconsistencies. Just try to take it in stride and roll with me here, unless there's a blatantly obvious mistake that makes no sense. (which I don't think there is) </p><p>Title taken from the Scorpions' song of the same name (which actually didn't inspire this fic at all but it was a little difficult moving on from the working title of "the one where Harry has a big one and Louis likes meat") </p><p>hope you enjoy :]</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Rooster in the Fruit Bowl

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this was a fic I started in 2013, that was actually set around the end of 2011, that I'm now hoping to finish in 2015. So, that being said, there will probably be a lot of inconsistencies. Just try to take it in stride and roll with me here, unless there's a blatantly obvious mistake that makes no sense. (which I don't think there is) 
> 
> Title taken from the Scorpions' song of the same name (which actually didn't inspire this fic at all but it was a little difficult moving on from the working title of "the one where Harry has a big one and Louis likes meat") 
> 
> hope you enjoy :]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry’s rooster is decent sized and enjoys waking up at inappropriate times of the day while Harry is trying to focus on anything but the way Louis’ hands wrap around his water bottle. There are many names it could go by, and they don’t call Harry “the banana kid” purely for his love of long, curved and yellow phallic-shaped fruit..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is this title? I honestly don't know.. sounds like something Harry would say tbh  
> I'm Canadian so please excuse my lingo, it's always all over the place..

Harry has a problem and it’s not like it’s a secret; except that in some ways it is. And it’s not like it’s some big mystery - or a big deal, really - except sometimes (most of the time) it is. The problem is that it’s something well known, but never voiced. It’s never mentioned by Niall, Liam or Zayn. It’s never mentioned by Louis - and it is most definitely, not ever, ever and double not ever mentioned by Harry.

The big not-so-secret secret is that Harry has a crush on Louis (just a little, tiny one, of course) but it’s something nobody talks about. See, Harry’s crush on Louis is sort of like he's possessed; nobody wants to talk about the demon in the room and it swallows his life whole and makes him do stupid, stupid shit that he wouldn't do under normal circumstances (not that Harry can remember what a normal circumstance feels like now that he knows Louis).

So, as much as Harry wants to keep his little (not) secret in his own thoughts, in his rushed hands on his cock under hot sheets in the middle of the night - and maybe in his heart - the entire universe seems to want to make that impossible. Maybe he has committed some outright sin and is damned for the rest of his life (although the deity he truly believes in is fit and tan, curving in all the right places with a wispy head of hair, and too blue eyes that haunt all of Harry’s still existent pre-pubescent fantasies - but oops, that’s a secret too) 

Or maybe Harry is just meant to suffer his entire life at the small hands of a boy (man? Louis will probably forever be stuck in between the two) that has soaked into his every pore but somehow still seems out of reach. Because, fuck, if Louis isn't the sun that warms him throughout the day; the human embodiment of an angel, thrust into his life at an all too convenient time.

Maybe Harry is just a sad, lonely poet forced to spend his days pining over that crooked smile and that laugh (oh good lord, who goes by the proper name of Louis Tomlinson, the way his eyes twinkle when he laughs) and oh, he’s looking over at Harry, the light hitting his cheekbones just so - and Harry is staring, he knows that, but he can’t seem to break the gaze. And of course, like always, Louis has a knowing smirk on his face. 

Maybe one of Louis’ god-like powers is some sort of all-seeing eye - yeah, that could explain a lot. And now he’s waving his hands back and forth, and maybe this is the mating dance of the gods, and Louis is saying his name now. It rolls off of those pink lips so beautifully, Harry thinks he would do anything to have Louis say his name forever. Harry can feel a blissed-out smile spreading across his face and his dimple is probably peeking out but Louis is laughing and dancing his mating dance and wow - maybe one day he’ll _moan_ out Harry’s name too.

Maybe none of that is true, Harry doesn't know. But one thing he does know is that he has the most annoying, shit-eating, fungus-faced band-mates (and friends) on the entire surface of the earth,

“Ahaha, look at the little shit, he’s not even listening. You okay there Haaaaarry, or were you busy mentally poundin' 'ur meat to thoughts o' Lou’s mouth?" 

And yeah, Niall can definitely shove it; deep and hard as far as Harry is concerned. Because he totally was not thinking of Louis, and he was listening, he just didn't hear anything. 

"Sorry, what? I'm still a little out of it, thinking about the show next week” Harry retorts, feigning nonchalance, he makes a mental note to pat himself on the back later for his quick thinking. Niall is laughing, clapping his hands and barking like a seal (and Harry thinks that if he had a bat right now he would probably go seal-clubbing, because Niall thinks this is a lot more funny than he should).

“I was just wondering what everyone wanted for lunch, but when I asked you, you just sort of zoned out, and stared at me” Louis chuckles, and his mouth is crooked again and Harry almost forgets to answer yet again because what he wouldn't do to have that mouth wrapped around his _c..._

He clears his throat, “yeah, um - yeah just whatever everyone else wants is fine” and his voice cracks a little at the end and it’s confirmed that yes, Harry is an idiot. He blushes again and brushes his hand through his hair, fixing his fringe. But mostly just distracting his fingers that want so badly to wrap around something (whether he currently wants them wrapped around his something, or Louis’ is debatable. Maybe both at once.)

See, Harry knows he’s not lacking in the department of loud, annoying farm animals. And as much as he wishes he owned a pet cow, or even a pig - because let’s be honest, pigs are fucking sick and they make awesome noises and are actually a lot cleaner than most animals and really fucking smart. In fact, Harry thinks that if he was a pig he would be perfectly content; That is as long as Louis was a pig as well - but all of that is besides the point.

Harry’s rooster is decent sized and enjoys waking up at inappropriate times of the day while Harry is trying to focus on anything but the way Louis’ hands wrap around his water bottle. There are many names it could go by, and they don’t call Harry “the banana kid” purely for his love of long, curved and yellow phallic-shaped fruit. Basically, Harry has a big cock. 

He’s never been shy about it, in fact he kind of struts it around. And it’s not that he’s "slutty" (who even created that word in the first place? it's pretty stupid in his opinion) in fact he’s quite the opposite - the only real action he gets is his right hand and mental images of Louis’ ass - it’s just that he honestly doesn't care who sees his dick. He wanks it, and he pisses out of it, and that’s about all it’s good for. That is besides popping up like an annoying neighbour when he really, really doesn't need any sugar. 

Louis is just so - so _small_. Tiny hands, tiny feet, cute fucking tiny face. And Harry can’t help but imagine wrecking tiny Louis with his not so tiny-Harry. Because Louis may be little in some areas, but he’s so fucking _thick_ in other areas that it makes Harry’s head spin; and he wonders if Louis is as deliciously thick in another area that could shove itself deep into Harry’s mouth.

Louis catches Harry staring a total of eight times before they even make it to the restaurant for lunch - yes, he counted, not that it matters at all - and of course, as per usual, Louis looks entirely too smug about the whole situation. Maybe Louis knows something that Harry doesn't.

Maybe Harry doesn't know much (in fact, some days he’s afraid he knows nothing at all) but Harry does know one thing, and that is if the day keeps progressing the way it currently is, Harry and his rooster are going to bed a lot earlier than usual - but definitely won’t be sleeping.


	2. Oh, Hot Dog!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mutual masturbation is good though, right? because Louis could definitely show Harry a thing or two about how to grip a piece of meat..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Zeppelin's "Hot Dog".. Nice, right? because I'm too damn creative for my own good.. good song though..  
> who wouldn't get a little flustered watching Louis bite a weenie (with relish)?

Louis can still remember the first time he touched another guy’s dick, ah yes, 'twas a long time ago. He was fifteen, admittedly - well, actually fourteen years and seven months, but it’s all the same shit in the long run - he and a now very unpleasant acquaintance, whom he doesn't care to acknowledge, had been playing footie all morning and decided on some lemonade to quench their thirst.

Now, as much as Louis was drooling to be completely ravished by a tall, sexy and dangerous man, it was definitely an accident when he bumped knees with the bad-breath chumpasaurus currently stinking up his mother’s sofa. He definitely wasn't thinking straight (no pun intended) when he decided to rest his hand on dingleberry’s thigh.

And then dork-a-lot got a little handsy and Louis didn't mind too much, because all name-calling aside, teen-stache could be considered sub-par attractive in some lighting - as long as he kept his mouth shut. But he’d always been an okay guy, and he had pretty large hands, so Louis took the opportunity to climb into his lap. 

Then it was basically a duel of crossing swords and bumping fists, and it was all down hill after that. But Louis did learn a few things along the way, including the fact that someone else’s hand on your dick will always feel better than your own.

Mutual masturbation is good though, right? because Louis could definitely show a thing or two about how to grip a piece of meat to Harry, who’s currently trying to shove an entire burger in his face. You would think with the pair of paws the kid possesses, he would be more than successful. But, everything is falling out the back and there is ketchup dripping down his chin and Louis has had quite enough.

Whoever said “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” was at least partially correct, because Harry’s eyes haven’t left his plate since it arrived. Louis has had his attention all day, and he doesn't intend to lose it now.

“Hey, curly?” he announces a lot louder than needed - but oh well, he demands Harry’s attention, he’s damn well going to get it - and score, because little cherub is looking over at him with wide eyes and is trying to lick the ketchup from his chin with his alarmingly large tongue.

“You might want to grip that a little tighter” he says with a smug smirk, and of course Harry squeezes the burger, effectively dropping a chunk of tomato out the back, and Louis wonders why he still has a hope for Harry’s meat handling future. 

“Not like that, you tosser. Look, just- Harry, just tuck your pinkies under the back, yeah? pretend it’s your friend and give it some support before you shove it down your gullet” Louis chuckles out, although he’s trying his best to seem overly serious about this whole ordeal. 

Harry listens, like any other time Louis tells him to do something, and tucks his pinkies up under the back half of the burger. He’s obviously quite proud of himself because he’s got a shit-eating grin spreading his face, his dimples poking out and a small piece of lettuce in his teeth. And god, Louis loves this idiot - his idiot - so much it scares him.

But Louis isn't quite finished yet, because honestly, his daily entertainment consists of fucking shit up with Zayn, and teasing Harry to no end in any possible way he can. Today, he opted out of the delicious sounding steak and chip combo to order the most fully-loaded and sloppy hot-dog he could find on the menu. 

And before you ask, yes he is eating it a lot slower than he should be, and yes he is making little slurping and smacking sounds with his mouth - and yes he is imagining Harry moaning while he tongues the slit of his cock- but the point of this hot-dog is for Harry to imagine that too. 

In all honesty, Louis’ just happy that Harry’s attention is back on him and his is burger somewhat forgotten in his hands. Louis deliberately makes eye contact with him across the table while he slowly bites his hot-dog, and he can feel a little bit of relish dribble down his lip which is perfect for this situation.

He makes sure he smirks a little as he licks his lip, pulling the bit of relish into his mouth, and closes his eyes, pretending this relish is the greatest thing he’s ever tasted. He moans a little too, for effect, and doesn't really care that Zayn is staring at him with a concerned look on his face. He waits until Zayn gets back to his chip munching before he looks back at Harry.

The kid looks something akin to a lemur, green eyes stretched so big they might fall out of his head, which is a little worse of a reaction than Louis was expecting- but hey, he’ll take what he can get. He cocks his head and gives Harry his most adorable little puzzled smile, like he really has no idea what he’s doing - even though he knows very, _very_ well - and chuckles a little when Harry coughs and goes back to eating.

Louis is quite determined to make this worse, because none of the other boys are even paying attention, and Harry doesn't even look embarrassed anymore and his sensual eating trick only worked for a minute. Basically, Louis has a bit of an embarrassment kink, and he’s currently unsatisfied. 

Harry has random smearings of condiments all over his face yet again as he chomps away, and Louis is determined to use it to his advantage,

“Harry, why do you always order the messiest thing on the menu when you can’t seem to eat it without looking like a toddler. Sometimes I doubt the fact that you’re actually 17”

“The messiest things always taste the best” Harry stutters out around a mouthful before realizing what he’s just said, and his cheeks blush a little as Louis giggles as charmingly as possible. 

“Mmmm, I agree, but Harry?” he makes sure Harry’s eyes are on him again before he continues, “Make sure you lick up all the sauce, yeah? that’s the best part” he finishes with a coy smile.

Harry chokes on his food a little before trying to cover it up with a cough and now the other boys have their full attention on Louis as well. Liam looks surprised, but he and Zayn are trying hard to cover up their insistent chuckling. Niall, on the other hand - being the ever reserved person he is - is laughing so hard he’s stopped making any noise, and tears are slowly leaking down his cheek.

Harry drops the last bite of his burger and quietly excuses himself before awkwardly shuffling to the toilet, face and ears so red he looks like he’s been sun burnt. Louis is proud of himself, to say the least, and apparently so is Niall, because he awards Louis with a pat on the back before sighing and drying his face.

Harry gets back to the table, and they grab their stuff and get ready to leave, Harry keeping to himself the entire time. Louis feels a little bad, but not too much because he knows Harry loves having any sort of his attention, even if Louis is a self-proclaimed asshole sometimes.

But he has learnt two things today. The first being that this combo of polyester boxers his mum bought for his birthday and tight jeans is a no-no, because he’s really starting to chafe; the second, Harry likes his meals big _and_ messy, which are two of Louis’ _specialities._


	3. Jack 'n' the Beanstalk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The room is dark and the sheets are smooth as Harry crawls under the duvet. He smells sweet and soft, and feels warm like summer weather; his hands are gentle yet firm where they grip onto Louis’ waist..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> say the title out loud and you'll know what this chapter is about.

Harry is too long limbs and soft fluffy curly hair. He’s lean and dorky and he laughs too loud and loves too openly; gets hurt much too easily because he takes everything to heart. The problem is you can't really blame him, it’s just the way he is - he’s just _Harry_. His heart is much too big and most times it shows, so it’s an easy target for people.

Harry is just - well he’s all things Louis never knew he needed, honestly. Until he was just there all the time and Louis forgot how empty his life felt before it was filled to the brim with pale skin and green eyes, and before he was sharing a flat with a baby deer.

It’s just after eight, but Harry had already gone to bed claiming he wasn't feeling well. Louis had offered a goodnight cuddle to make him feel better - although in all honesty, Louis was feeling a little too lonely to spend the rest of the night on his own - but Harry had turned it down saying that it most likely wouldn't help his “tummy ache”, and retreated to his room. 

So now, Louis is sharing the sofa with a bottle of bubbly and too many pillows. There is something sadly poetic about enjoying a bottle of champagne alone - actually, fuck that. It’s not poetic in the least, it’s just all sorts of sad. He’s got enough money to enjoy champagne on a Tuesday night, but apparently he's not rich enough to persuade people to enjoy it with him. 

The depressing movies he’s currently watching aren’t helping his mood, and he doesn’t really understand why Jack has to die because Rose's rich ass could have shared the door and rode Jack instead of horses, and Ennis could have left with Jack before people knew anything about their relationship; and Jesus Christ, Jack Mercer was just a misunderstood kid with a big heart and _very_ lovely hands. 

Garrett Hedlund is fit in many, many ways but this champagne tastes like shit and it’s too hot and yet he’s got a chill all over his body and Louis is just done with the entire day and with a final peek over at the clock at eleven, he finally falls asleep wondering why they always kill off the greatest character. Louis vows to never let Harry star in a movie because he’s always been the greatest of all. 

***

“Louis…”

It’s a soft whisper, but it’s enough to wake him. The room is dark and the sheets are smooth as Harry crawls under the duvet. He smells sweet and soft, and feels warm like summer weather; his hands are gentle yet firm where they grip onto Louis’ waist. 

He murmurs into the shell of Louis’ ear sweet nothings that make Louis blush and then they're kissing, and it’s nothing and everything like Louis always imagined, but the room is way too cold and his neck is cramped and now Harry is holding his hand,

“I’ll never let go." 

And wow, he knew Harry liked him, he’s not dense but maybe he underestimated the extent of Harry’s feelings towards him.

"I'll never let go, Jack.”

Jack? What the… why is it so fucking bright? 

Louis slowly opens one eye, and sees his abandoned champagne glass chilling on the table and the T.V. has been playing the menu of Four Brothers repetitively for the past seven or so hours. He could have sworn the dvd player had a auto-shutoff feature but apparently not. He fears he might actually be paralyzed by how bent his neck is, but all he knows is that all the champagne has filled his bladder, and he has to piss.

Louis has never adored mornings, especially mornings with too much alcohol the night before because everything is too bright and moves too fast - including Bambi - who has just beat him to the bathroom and turned the shower on. He really, _really_ needs to pee.

Louis pads down the hallway, rubbing at the kink in his neck and contemplates waiting but his bladder feels like it might burst so he does the courteous thing and knocks; ten seconds without an answer and he quietly opens the door and walks into the bathroom because there is no more waiting.

Harry has the bathroom all steamy like he always does when he’s in the shower. Louis used to complain that he never turns the fan on, but Harry claimed it helps to clear his throat in the mornings, so he stopped pestering because he most definitely doesn't want Harry’s throat to be sore because of him…

You know when you have to pee so badly, but you finally get to the bathroom and nothing comes out? Well, that’s Louis’ current predicament, and he’s waiting patiently. He was expecting to be serenaded by Harry’s morning musical numbers, but he is surprisingly quiet, not that it should matter while Louis is trying to piss. 

He’s finally got a steady stream going (which is a relief because he was afraid he was going to start the next tsunami in their bathroom) but he has a bit of a headache so he rests his free hand on the wall and breathes in the steamy air, which would be nice if he wasn't standing over a toilet full of urine.

It’s then that he hears Harry make a small mewing noise, and okay this is too much for the morning, because Louis is pretty sure he knows exactly what Harry is up to in the shower. The slight hangover actually has him thinking about dropping his shorts right there and climbing in to assist, but he fights the urge. 

He finished peeing a couple minutes ago but Harry doesn't need to know, and now he’s standing with his hands against the wall and shaking his head wondering when he crossed the line from dream pervert to actual pervert, because this is Harry’s alone time that he’s invading.

Harry’s actually moaning now, quietly, but it’s low in his throat and a little growly and Louis really needs to leave because his head is much too crowded with images of big hands on a big dick and Harry’s neck stretched out while he’s underneath Louis moaning out his name…

_He’s moaning out Louis’ name._

Oh shit, wait he actually just said Louis’ name. Fuck, his best friend knows he’s listening to him wank in the shower please somebody rescue him take him away from here and…

He looks over and sure enough the shower door is still closed and fuck that’s even worse because that means Harry has no idea he’s in here and he’s actually touching himself while thinking of Louis in some way. Whatever way that may be. 

It’s too hot, everything is too hot and he’s pretty sure Harry has just finished because he now has his big bear paw pressed up against the steamy glass and is turning the water off and - _shit!_ he’s turning the water off - Louis can't even escape because now it’s too obvious. Fuck the world and all those who inhabit it.

Yup, he’s opening the door, play it cool Tomlinson, you didn't hear _anything_ ; you were just taking a piss. Just taking a really long piss and not listening to anything at all, in fact you're headache has caused you to become slightly deaf so it doesn't matter and,

“Lou?!”… _fuck_.

“Yeah, hey mate I had to take a piss sorry I didn't mean to interrupt your shower.”

Oh, that was wrong. That was the wrong choice of words you shit-head…

“I um, I didn't know you were in here Louis” Harry breathes out, his voice a little shaky as he wraps his towel around his waist.

He’s calling him "Louis", that means he know. Oh god he totally knows, and his eyes are wide and scared and his face is so pale despite the rest of his body being steamy red from the shower and Louis honestly feels bad.

“Yeah, I uh - I knocked but you didn't answer? and I couldn't wait because I drank too much last night. So I just came in? You look a little pale, you really must not have been feeling too great last night, I'll go get you some water and make breakfast, yeah?” he finishes, and he knows he’s rambling but he also knows Harry won't point it out.

Harry gives him the slight hint of a nod, so he flushes the toilet and rushes out, shutting the door behind him and rests his head against the wall. All he wanted to do was piss, he didn't ask for this. Louis makes his way down the hallway and into the kitchen, he grabs the eggs and sets them down on the counter.

He grabs himself two painkillers out of the cupboard and goes about making scrambled eggs and toast because he doesn't feel like putting the effort into anything else right now, and his cooking never compares to Harry’s.

Speaking of, the not so innocent fawn has now made his way to the table, sporting a pretty dejected look on his face. The look someone might have if their dog just died, or their mate that they were jerking off to walked into the bathroom while they were jerking off and calling out said person’s name. It’s all subjective.

Louis places a plate down in front of Harry, which he takes without looking up, a mumbled “thanks, Lou.” coming out of his mouth before he forks the smallest piece of egg and chews it slower than a sloth. 

“Still not feeling well, Haz?” Louis tries, hoping they can pretend this morning never happened. Because it didn't and everything is totally fine and they can go back to their bickering and teasing, and he can love Harry from a distance so that he never has to deal with the fact that he’s not good enough to actually date Harry Styles.

“Yeah, don't really feel like eating I guess.” Harry sighs, putting his fork down. “Might just stay in bed today since we have the day off.” he says, pushing away from the table.

“Oh. Yeah, okay Harry. I’ll um, I guess I'll just see you later then.” Louis calls out as Harry leaves the room. He'd be worried about looking too sad, but Harry isn't looking. He won't remind Harry that they were supposed to be having LouisandHarry day - movies and snacks included - because Harry never forgets. 

Harry knows it’s their day, and Louis knows it’s going to suck without him. He can feel his headache resurfacing with the frustration and curses the fact that he drank so much and had to piss at the worst time this morning. 

Louis picks up Harry’s unfinished plate, as well as the rest of the eggs, and scoops them off into the garbage. It’s a waste of food, but Louis is feeling too shitty to worry about it. Harry has a bed but so does Louis, and his pillow is currently calling his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus points if you know all three movies referenced in this chapter (congratulations! you can do absolutely nothing with the points bc they don't actually exist!) also, I apologize if I spoiled a movie for you, but those movies are so good you should have seen them by now, so I won't be held accountable.. basically if you ever get cast as a character named "jack" in a movie, be prepared for your inevitable death.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and feedback always appreciated :]
> 
> Like always, I edit all my own work, so any mistakes are my own.. feel free to bug me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/jareddimples) or [tumblr](http://shortstackles.tumblr.com) whenever you want  
> love y'all


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